SVADHYAYA
“The witness is our ability to watch ourselves act and respond. It is our ability to watch our thoughts and our emotional disturbances…The profoundness of this watching is that we begin to know ourselves as something different than who we thought we were. It is this ability to watch that begins to bring healing to our lives.” - Deborah Adele, The Yamas & the Niyamas
Svadhyaya, the practice of self-study, is a practice in witnessing, in watching, in observing ourselves and our repeated behaviors. Patterns are always developing throughout our lives. As small children, we repeat the language of our parents & other adults. Teenagers adopt the fashion & hobbies & habits of their peers, in order to create connection & forge a sense of self, even if it looks like a lot of other selves. Throughout adulthood, we align our beliefs with political parties, our identities with our jobs, and if there’s any free time left, we might identify as a fan of something larger within the culture, a sports team, a band, a cinematic universe. Ultimately, for better or for worse, this is how communities are created within our great big large human community. There is safety within these categories. There is pride in these categories. Everyone has seen a bio online that is a list of labels: Horse Lover, Coffee Addict, Football Freak, Grandma, Deadhead, Bungee Jumper. It can eliminate the stress of making a decision or overthinking. We justify our actions with these labels. In terms of learned behavior, we may find ourselves having a preference with an ambiguous source.
One might say (one = me), that I never let my food touch on my plate because its gross, while looking over at my mother’s plate and seeing her food maintaining perfect boundaries, nary a grain of rice even glancing at a slice of pork. Do I really think its gross or did she tell me it was gross? Can’t remember, but to keep on the safe side I’ll actually just have my rice in a separate bowl and while we’re at it, I’ll eat it in the other room. Thanks. Your favorite baseball player gets traded to the Yankees and as much as you’d love to see him win, you actually can’t root for him because you’re a Red Sox fan and that’s highly illegal. Oh well. It’s just who you are.
Svadhyaya invites us, without judgement, to look beyond those labels and patterns and to ask ourselves why we abide by them. Sometimes the answer is simple: I like to do that. I genuinely believe that. All answers point to yes. Great! Keep on truckin’. Other instances, we might see that we’ve limited ourselves by stringently remaining in our categories, in our labels. Where did that belief come from and what does the Self, the Atman, actually believe? I write this while crunching tortilla chips into a big slop bowl of rice and beans and sour cream and veggies, I inhale a bite, and exhale, “yes, this is the real me!”
I came to face to face with my Self throughout my yoga teacher training, and would have not gotten there without the practice of Svadhyaya. I signed up six months before the training began, on an instinct, on the advice of a voice that came somewhere deep within me. I knew that voice was onto something, but my regular brain, my surface thoughts, were kind of smirking at me: “Okay, well how are you going to teach? You’re literally not even a teacher….” By becoming a witness to my thoughts & beliefs, I recognized a pattern of self-limiting behavior. No, I was not a teacher, but why couldn’t I become one? Because I’m in my 40’s and its too late to learn anything new and also I barely learned anything when I was supposed to be learning in school, that’s why not! I kept pressing myself: is it possible that living in a patriarchal society that you’ve been conditioned to believe that 40 is not only old for a woman, but also too old to learn something new, and in reality you have free will and can actually do whatever you want? Oh. Well when you put it that way, I guess I could probably give it a try. And I did try. As a teacher now, when I have moments of doubt in my ability of what/how I can teach, I consult the witness. Each conversation we have is a journey deeper into the Self. I maintain my labels although I know there is flexibility within them. I am not limited by the communities I connect to because my connection to the Self is strengthening every day.
Thinking about your own repeated actions, habits, and thoughts, what are your labels? Which ones inhibit you and which may inform the Self? How can you incorporate Svadhyaya into your personal yoga practice?
